It took me a while to figure out, what the skills were, that I had mastered throughout the years and to give “it” the right name with the ideal meaning.
As some of you might know by now, I am an empath, a highly sensitive person, a pisceas with ascending leo, but to me, I am “simply” very much aware and am able to read myself and my environment and am able to assign meaning to that information and derive action/or non-action from that meaning. Meaning, I am able to make sound decisions for myself based on the meaning I assign to the information I receive.
Before, for some areas in my life, I received information, but I couldn’t deciver that information fully.
I am really good at doing this for myself AND I am able to read other people and help them to identify their feelings, their beliefs and connected behaviour.
And most importantly, I am an expert on training you, on how you can become more self-aware. I am an awareness-trainer!
But back then,
I just noticed the information, which came through in the form of signs in my body, or behavior
- like a punch in my stomach,
- like nervousness and the inability to express myself
- like getting hot and starting to sweat
- like feeling uncomfortable and excluding myself from a group and a conversation
- like feeling the need to distance myself from certain people based on the feeling they created from me
… but I didn’t fully understand,
- why that situation had created itself for me, which I came aware of
- how I initiated this situation myself, which I had become aware of
- or how to connect those bodily signs to a meaning and derive information from them
… nor did I go one step further by
- uncovering, what I believe about the situation to be true and untrue,
- becoming aware, how those beliefs influenced and impacted my thoughts and behavor impacted my day-to-day life
- verbalising to myself and others, what exactly I felt at that moment, when I became aware of the situation
- … and therefore I didn’t create a space for a dialogue and healing
But what I also became aware of about myself, that I had not really spend the time to sit down to articulate, hence train, my awareness muscle.
This means, I hadn’t invested in myself to become better at identifying my feelings, beliefs and deriving a decision based on that missing information.
A very simple past life example to demonstrate what I mean by that would be…
When I was still employed with my last job, I was in an office with 2 other people. The office wasn’t small, but we were sitting rather close to each other and I faced the other two people with my desc and computer.
Right away I felt uncomfortable in that office, but I didn’t know really in detail why. The awareness-process uncovered the following:
Defining my feelings:
- I feel distracted, when I sit at a desc having to face other people
- I feel unsafe and not at ease, when sharing an office with other people
- I feel at ease and relaxed, when I am alone in a room, where I perform my work.
I went one step further, asked myself why is that? What is the reason behind?
- I feel distracted, when I sit at a desk having to face other people, because my focus and energy is more engaged with the people, that my body and head are directed to.
- Why? Because I can feel people, that I am engaged with.
- Why? Because I have the ability to pick up people’s feelings, emotions and state of mind
- Why? Because I can feel people, that I am engaged with.
- I feel unsafe and not at ease, when sharing an office with other people, because I am used to responding to whats happening in my environment
– Why? Because I a part of me feels unsafe and needs to know what is happening at all time
– Why? → this was connected to unhealed trauma, which I successfully healed
3. I feel at ease and relaxed, when I am alone in a room, where I perform my work.
– Why? Because my thoughts and energy want a lot of space and I enjoy “spacing” my energy out throughout the entire room.
– Why? Because I feel that my creative juices flow more that way and at the same time I am not distracting somebody else!
In fact, I was able to identify, that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and despite what many think, my truth is, that HSP is not a complete trauma response. My truth is, that there can be trauma responses, that exentuate certain areas that are impacted for HSPs.
So what happened with that office situation?
I actually managed to get a sole office for a while, which was more a coincident, than planned, but I didn’t communicate my true feelings and need to my office mates and my supervisor clearly. I think it created a lot of confusion, because I didn’t have the courage to openly speak about my feelings and needs. Today I am sure, it would have been less of a deal, than I thought it would be. But back then, I didn’t allow myself to get my need simply fullfilled! I needed another excuse to get that solo office.
Today, I would simply communicate the fact, that I enjoy a solo office based on reason a,b,c and that it is the basis for me enjoying my work and be able to perform my work.
So, which beliefs did I have surrounding this situation?
- Just me feeling the way I feel, is not important enough to warrant a solo office for me. My needs are not valuable enough to become fulfilled.
- They will not accept my feelings as real and will not take myself seriously:
→ People do not respect my feelings
→ I am not taken seriously by people
→ People dismiss how I feel
→ I feel unheard and unacknowledged
→ They will not handle my vulnerability around this topic with care and sensitivity:
– They will be careless with my feelings: People are careless with my feelings: People dismiss how I feel: People are uninterested in fulfilling my needs
These are examples of the the limiting beliefs that were active in my subconscious. And they had a deeper root cause.
At this first step, it is important though to focus on WHAT IS and training your awareness-muscle by articulating – by writing down – what you feel and why you feel it.
This habit itself is the basis and will increase your self-confidence, because you knowing what you feel creates orientation for yourself in your current environment. And creating orientation for yourself is a self-empowered act!
And if you are sure about how you feel, you will be self-confident and secure to communicate it.
In other words:
“No one can pull the wool over your eyes anymore.”
The ability to communicate your feelings firmly and disconnected from expectations towards the other person is another step to your emotional independence and a liberated day, week, month and years!
I am realising this piece is getting much longer, than I anticipated. I will stop here for now, will publish and see after a few days, if I continue right where I left of, or if start a new related topic.
My words intented to make you understand, how important it is to go back to the basics. And with basics, I mean starting to understanding yourself right from within your life. Wherever you ARE.
It is most sustainable, most self-empowering to create transformation ourselves right from within our lives!